It was not the kind of
news I needed to hear at the end of a long, hard week. I’d only been seated at my desk for a few
moments, when I get the word – Hostess Brands is shutting down. They will immediately cease production of a
legion of iconic snack cakes. While
somewhere there is probably a registered dietitian rejoicing at the news, my
reaction is dramatically different. I feel an immediate and
alarming sense of panic. I leave my hot
coffee on my desk, and rush to the lobby.
I’ve got to find Twinkies!!!
Quickly I make my way to
three different Manhattan stores and I come up empty handed. All I can find are bags of granola, Power
Bars and gluten-free snacks. Honesty, sometimes
Manhattan is way too health conscious for its own good.
I'll be honest. I may like to cook from scratch, but I am
hardly a food snob. I grew up in the
1960s when Swanson TV Dinners, Cool Whip, Shake ‘n Bake Chicken and Tang were
considered haute cuisine. And, then
there was the Twinkie, that spongy yellow torpedo of cake filled with
whiter-than-white marshmallow cream. I
would pack one in my lunchbox every day in junior high school. The svelte blonde bombshell in eighth grade
that I had a huge crush on would purse her lips, wink at me and call me
“Twinkie the Kid.” Twinkies made me a
chick magnet.
Much of the news coverage
of the past 48 hours has rather cruelly categorized the Twinkie as “junk food,”
but I have a different view. The
Twinkie sits squarely at the apex of edible art, culinary innovation and youthful
sugar cravings. Some culinary
philosophers even see the Twinkie as a groundbreaking precursor of the
molecular gastronomy trend. I mean,
foam is foam. Why spend a lot of money
if you can just pick up a pack of Twinkies in the deli.
The Twinkie inspired some
of my early culinary efforts. I once
served a dessert called “Undescended Twinkies,” a caloric suburban masterpiece
created by Jane and Michael Stern for their book “Square Meals.” A postmodern take on the trifle, eight
Twinkies are floated on a lake of orange Jell-O blended with 7-Up, pineapple
juice and vanilla ice cream. The Sterns
wrote, “If the gelatin is properly
chilled, it will resist the Twinkies.
You will push them in; they will slowly rise. It is a tense moment, like the scene in Psycho
when Tony Perkins tries to sink Janet Leigh’s car. But remember, you don’t want them
buried. Just semidescended in the lush,
peach-colored ooze.”
Don’t judge me. Some of my dinner guests were horrified but I
thought it was the coolest dessert ever.
If you dare to raise an eyebrow at “Undescended Twinkies,” you ought to
check out “The Twinkies Cookbook”
published by Hostess in 2006 (Yes, I own a copy). It includes recipes for “Twinkie Burritos,”
“Chicken-Raspberry Twinkie Salad,” “Twinkie Lasagna,” and a “Ribbon and Bows
Twinkie Wedding Cake.” Enough
said.
But I digress. Back at my desk, facing a bleak and Twinkie free future, I yearn to commiserate with
kindred spirits. On Facebook, my friend
Allison says she’ll locate a stash of Twinkies for me in Pittsburgh. I consider purchasing a plane ticket. Mad Me-Shell
sends me a recipe for do-it-yourself Twinkies, and notes that her favorite
poutine shop in Chicago will be paying homage by serving deep-fried Twinkies at
their Sunday Brunch. Zany is oddly
absent from this conversation, but finally surfaces on Saturday morning with
this comment: “Sorry for the late reply. I’ve
been on a Twinkie shopping spree across Chicago.” She also asks Mad what time she should arrive for brunch.
Desperate times call for
desperate measures. I take to the
Internet, and locate a box of ten Twinkies on amazon.com. I am distracted for a moment before
purchasing, and I note that the in-stock supplies are dropping like a
stone. So I hit the orange “Buy Now
with 1-Click” button. Better to be safe
than sorry. It’s a good thing, too,
because when I get back to Long Island that night, I visit three more stores
and the shelves are bare. I’m too
late. The Twinkie addicts have been
hoarding all day. A last check of the
Internet shows that Twinkies are now being auctioned at a premium price on
ebay. I’ll be pleasantly surprised if
my box of Twinkies actually makes it into my hands. There’s a lot that can happen between the
warehouse and my front steps in this post apocalyptic Twinkie-less world.
Which might mean I ate my
last Twinkie this past April at a “Mad Men” style dinner hosted by my college
roommate Ford MacKenzie. I brought
dessert – a platter of Twinkies served with Chocolate Pudding and Dream
Whip. The Twinkies were light and
luscious – a little pillowy taste of heaven with a perky artificial
aftertaste.
Okay, so it’s not like I
dined on Twinkies regularly at this stage in my life. But, the thought of Twinkies going the way of
the dinosaur, the Edsel and Gourmet Magazine is a bit unnerving. It
was comforting to know that the frothy, light Twinkie seemed to endure in an
often dark and uncertain world. R.I.P.
Twinkie the Kid.
©2012 T.W. Barritt All
Rights Reserved